FREN← The path· A tool for the grieving person (the pastor may hand it over)
This is not a test and it is not scored. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a gentle mirror : to help you see where you are today, to take care of yourself, and to recognise the moments when it is wise to ask for help. This paper is yours. You do not have to show it to anyone — not even to the person who gave it to you. No one will come and read it, no one will score it. Answer for yourself, not to answer well.
Tick what is true for you, right now. It may change from one week to the next — that is normal.
It assumes a death that the people around you recognise : condolences were offered, there was a coffin, a service, people who came.
There are griefs no one speaks of. A pregnancy that stopped. A child never seen born. A suicide that is kept quiet. A hidden relationship, a former spouse, someone you were not given the right to mourn. A parent still alive who no longer knows you.
If that is your loss, this tool is not for you — it counts time as though the world around you had wept with you. It did not, and that is the wound.
Your pain has the right to exist. Other people's silence is not a verdict on it. Speak to your pastor, and ask for the sheet “The Grief No One Names”. It was written for you.
How long ago did it happen ?
One thing decides how to read all the rest : the time that has passed. Touch what is true.
A few days
A few weeks
One to three months
Three to six months
Six months to a year
One to two years
Two to five years
More than five years
Several losses, one after another
Movement 1
What you tick stays on this device. Nothing is sent, nothing is read by anyone — not your pastor, not us. You will find your answers again when you come back to this page, even weeks later. If you share this phone, press “Erase everything” at the bottom when you are done.
Where I am today
Six questions, unrelated to one another. On each, touch the answer closest to your reality today.
My sleep
Very disturbed
Irregular
More or less
My appetite / my body
I neglect myself
Up and down
I am holding steady
My energy
Exhausted
In waves
There
Tears / emotion
It overflows
It comes and goes
More settled
My bond with others
I withdraw
A little withdrawn
Surrounded
The “ if only ”
It gnaws at me
It comes back at times
I blame myself less
On the “ if only ”. After a sudden death, an accident or a suicide, almost everyone says : “ I should have seen it ”, “ if only I had been there ”. That is not the truth speaking — it is pain looking for someone to blame, and choosing you. You did not have the information you have today. Tell someone : guilt kept to oneself grows.
Simply look : what is heavy right now ? And what, on the contrary, carries you ? We learn from our strengths as much as from our sorrows.
Movement 2
My faith, my prayer — right now
This line has no good side and no bad side. It does not fit into a table. Touch what is true today.
I cry out, or I fall silent
I am angry with God. Or empty, with no words, with no wish to pray.
I am looking for my words
I still pray, but differently. It rings hollow, or it comes out in disorder.
It carries me
My faith holds, even tired. It is a support right now.
If you are angry with God : you are not in the wrong box. On the cross, Jesus cried out : “ My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me ? ”To complain to God is not a sin. The psalms are full of it. No one has the right to ask you to stop.
And if you think : “ we prayed, and he died — I did not have enough faith ” : At Gethsemane, Christ prayed that the cup might pass. It did not pass. His faith was perfect.An unanswered prayer proves no lack of faith. You have not failed. Set that burden down : it was never yours.
And if it lasts? If this anger, or this emptiness, settles in and cuts you off from God and from others — it is still not a sin. But do not stay alone with it. The research shows it : a spiritual struggle kept to oneself tends to grow worse, and to weigh on the spirit. One that is entrusted to someone welcoming does not. Speak to your pastor, or to someone you trust. Not so that you may be corrected — so that you do not carry this alone.
Movement 3
The way I live my grief
People do not all weep in the same way (after K. Doka).No way is better. Touch the one that most resembles you.
More “heart”
I feel and express a great deal : tears, a need to talk, strong emotions.
More “head / hands”
I live my grief by acting, by thinking, by doing : I may be thought cold, wrongly.
A mixture
A little of both, depending on the day and the moment.
What helps, for you : if you are “heart”, give your emotions a safe place (a person, a notebook, prayer). If you are “head/hands”, honour the grief in your own way— an act, a task, a project in memory — without forcing yourself to weep to order. No one has to tell you how to grieve “properly”.
Movement 4
Taking care of myself
Grief weighs on the body too. Tick one line only : the one that feels possible this week. One. Not seven.
I eat more or less regularly
I try to keep a rhythm of sleep
I move a little (walking, air, movement)
I take my medication / I see a doctor if needed
I let someone help me (a relative, a friend, the church)
I give myself moments of respite without guilt
I feed my inner life (prayer, Scripture, silence)
You do not have to hold everything. One step, held, is worth more than seven resolutions. Next week you may choose another — or the same one. That is fine too.
Movement 4b
If the death was sudden or violent
Read this block only if it concerns you. An accident, a suicide, a killing, a brutal death, a body you were not able to see — the body keeps what the mind cannot say. If the death came gently, go on to the next movement: these lines are not for you, and finding none of these signs means nothing bad.
Images or scenes come back to me without my calling them
I wake with a start, or I no longer sleep as I used to
I jump at nothing ; I am on the alert
I avoid places, objects, words — because they bring it all back
At times it seems unreal, as if it had not happened
My body reacts before I do : racing heart, short breath, nausea
What this means — and what it does not mean. It is neither madness nor a lack of faith. It is what a human body does after a shock: it stays on alert, long after the danger has passed. In the first weeks, this is normal.
But if, after a month or two, several of these lines still hold and keep you from living — speak to a doctor. What is at work then is not grief: it is a wound of the body and of memory, and it can be treated. Prayer does not replace that care — it accompanies it.
Movement 5
The signs that invite you to ask for help
Asking for help is not a failure nor a lack of faith— it is an act of courage and of wisdom. Some signs say it is time.
To watch — talk about it
a pain that, after several months, never loosens its grip and prevents you from taking up life again ;
an isolation that settles in, no joy possible any more, a numbness that lasts ;
persistent physical symptoms (have them seen by a doctor) ;
the feeling that part of you has died, or the impossibility of accepting the loss.
If the night gets too heavy, I call :
A real person. One who will pick up.
Write it now, while things are calm. Not on that night. On the night it goes badly you will not have the strength to look — and that is exactly the night this name matters. Tell them, too : just say you have written their name here.
Without waiting : if you have dark thoughts, the wish to harm yourself, or if you are only standing thanks to alcohol or medication —do not stay alone with this. Speak today to a trusted relative, to your pastor, to a doctor, a psychologist or a helpline. You do not have to carry this alone.
If you are in danger now, call. It is free, and someone will answer.
988United States and Canada — Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Call or text 988, free, 24/7. In Canada, in English and in French. You may call for yourself, or for someone else.
116 123United Kingdom and Ireland — Samaritans. Free, 24 hours a day, every day of the year. Free from any phone, and it does not appear on the bill.
3114France and French overseas territories — national suicide-prevention line. Free, 24/7. Trained health professionals answer.
112 · 999 · 911Emergency services — if the danger is immediate (112 in Europe, 999 in the UK and Ireland, 911 in North America).
Anywhere else :findahelpline.com lists a free, verified line for almost every country. Write yours here today — not on the night you will need it : ________________________________________
What you have just said
Where you are
This is not a grade. These are not points. These are your words, put back in order.
Your answers will appear here, put back in order. Go back up, answer what speaks to you — even one thing — and come back. Nothing shows until you have said something.
None of this has been added up, compared, or sent anywhere. No one holds a score on you — least of all this tool.