FREN← The path· A grid for you · the verb “Understand” put into practice
What this grid is not : a diagnosis, a score, a judgment. You are neither judge nor therapist. It is a reading, to adjust your presence and to spot the moment to refer to a professional. Keep it to yourself ; never wave it in front of the family.
1 · The kind of loss
How did the death come about — and what does that add to the grief ?
Expected (illness, great age) · sudden · violent / accident · suicide · the loss of a child or a perinatal loss.
Each kind colours the grief : sudden death adds trauma ; suicide, shame ; a child, the sense of injustice.
Calibrate : the more brutal or stigmatised the death, the more you move toward a long and careful presence (see Door B, and the order of service by kind in “Walking with Grief”).
2 · Is the grief unrecognised ?
Is the loss fully recognised by those around — or made small ? (K. Doka’s concept)
Griefs often unrecognised : miscarriage, stillbirth, a former spouse, a hidden relationship, death by suicide or overdose, an old loss “one ought to have got over”.
A sign : the person apologises for their sorrow, or no one speaks to them about it.
Calibrate : name and validate the loss out loud. Your recognition may be the only one the person receives — and that is already a powerful care.
3 · The grieving style
How does this person live their sorrow ? (no style is better)
“Heart” (intuitive) : strong emotions, tears, a need to talk.
“Head / hands” (instrumental) : lives the grief by acting, by thinking ; may wrongly seem cold.
Mixed : both, depending on the moment.
Calibrate : adapt to their style; do not impose yours. Do not push a “head/hands” person to weep, nor a “heart” person to “pull themselves together”. The Deuilmètre helps them see it for themselves.
4 · The support network
Who surrounds this person — or are they alone ?
Family, friends, church community present or absent ? A level-headed relay for the paperwork ?
The isolated person is more at risk and calls for a closer follow-up.
Calibrate : mobilise the church’s mutual help (rota, meals, visits) and tighten your follow-up calendar if those around them are few.
5 · Where are they with God ?
Careful : you are not assessing whether they have “found a meaning” in this death.
Anger at God, guilt, “why?”, a faith shaken, or a faith that carries ?
Anger at God is not unbelief : the Psalms carry it, and Christ cried it out on the cross.Lament is not a sin(Peckham).
Prayer guilt — look for it; it is silent. Did the family pray for healing ? If so, someone is probably thinking : “ I did not have enough faith ”.No one will tell you this of their own accord.
Calibrate : receive the question without answering it too quickly (see “The Bearing” : comfort first). Expect no meaning from them : you do not have to claim there is a hidden good in this death — and they do not have to find one (Peckham, Theodicy of Love).
If you detect prayer guilt : set Gethsemane before them. Christ asked that the cup might pass ; it did not pass ; his faith was perfect.An unanswered prayer proves no lack of faith. The rule of Job’s friends : they were sure of themselves — and they were wrong. In the end, it is they whom God rebukes.The comforter who explains is not neutral : he plays their part again.(See Facing Suffering.)
6 · The signals — should you refer ?
After Doka’s “signs of vigilance and alarm”. Your prayer and your follow-up do not rule out professional care : they accompany it.
Amber (vigilance, talk about it) : excessive identification with the deceased, “magical” objects taking over life, a lasting inability to speak of the loss without collapsing, persistent physical symptoms.
Red (refer to a professional) : self-neglect, depression lasting beyond two weeks (sadness and despair without respite), abuse of alcohol or medication, destructive aggression, suicidal thoughts or talk → without delay.
The synthesis — three questions for you
1. What makes THIS grief singular ?(kind, recognition, style, support, faith)
2. How do I adjust my presence ?(pace of follow-up, tone, what I say / what I defer)
3. Must I hand this on ? A red signal : I refer, gently, without dramatising — and I stay present alongside the care.